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As most are aware, the Jonesboro City Council has approved the creation of the “Downtown Jonesboro Entertainment District” to serve the “best” interests of residents and visitors. To oversee this endeavor, the Jonesboro City Council is seeking to create a board of unelected bureaucrats along with private business owners. It will be the committee’s responsibility to create rules to reduce competition and invasion from businesses outside the entertainment district as well as provide fun and entertainment for visitors, while ensuring you buy your fun entertainment “starting fluid” from those deemed worthy by the committee. As long as the Jonesboro Downtown Entertainment District Oversight Committee (JDEDOC) will “do what is right in their own eyes,” there will be no problems.
The oversight committee will also be in charge of establishing boundaries of the district, and from the best I can tell, the district is way too small. The northern boundary is okay for now because the downtown Pride Celebration currently stops at Cate and Burke. The western boundary should be moved to Flint Street. This change would allow patrons safer access to local professional escorts and amateur pharmacists without illegally leaving one district and entering another. That area of the district could be lit with red lights to help identify its boundaries. The southern boundary should definitely go to Cherry Avenue, as to include the Jonesboro Public Library. Who wouldn’t want to walk with pride, with their drinks, escorts, and children to the taxpayer funded public library to view sexually explicit material while your children are being read a story by a man dressed like a woman. It also provides a close gathering place for like-minded individuals in case Craighead Forest is inconvenient. This boundary could be recognized by placing a banner with stripes of primary and secondary colors just under, or in close proximity to the American Flag. Close consideration was given to moving the southern boundary as far as Highland Drive to include Jonesboro High School. This was impractical because of the schedule and summer break, but who wouldn’t like to pet a furry, imbibe a cold one, and take a class on Critical Race Theory. This boundary identifier would have to change to a banner with a hammer and sickle, or one with a clinched fist defiantly held high. All four corners of the Entertainment District would need a pole or monument of some sort. One that is tall enough to be seen easily. I suggest they be made of Ash “-erah”.
Covid Vaccines should be mandatory. Masks should be available and required for anyone in the district, especially the escorts. The Entertainment District logo would have to be on cups, bracelets, and masks in order to be invisible to open public alcohol consumption laws in a dry county. I suggest an easier, permanent alternative: numbers such as “666”. These numbers should be tattooed on a person’s forehead to be easily identified by the rulers. If they are “good Christians”, they could have it placed on their right hand, high enough to cover it with long sleeves in case they are church goers. If the southern boundary is extended, this would take in some local churches. The area churches that have these leaders and supporters of this new Entertainment District as members in good standing should also offer this identifier (or mark) free of charge. Provided, of course, they profess to be “good Christians”. They could offer these identifiers as a community outreach and recruit and groom new members as they pass by enroute to the library. This should be especially of interest to the United Methodist Church since the loss of all those non-woke un-entertaining, fuddy duddy members. The pastors and congregations would need to silently agree not to confront these elected and appointed civil and civic leaders because of the unwritten commandment that “thou shall not mix religion and politics”, and Satan’s favorite “love is love”.
Another obvious change needed will be for the City of Jonesboro to acquire the old Citizens Bank building and move City Hall there. This will place the mayor in the “high place” of the Entertainment District, or Ash Pole territory. There would be ample space for Entertainment District Oversight Committee meetings as well as Jonesboro City Council meetings. The middle floors could be made into mini apartments, and rented by the hour by people who want extra fun and entertainment. Because of proximity and convenience, the top floors should be reserved for a Future Planned Parenthood. Mifepristone would be available there or thrown from roof.
Imagine. You could attend the pride celebration, walk to the courthouse, get a marriage license, continue to UMC, get married, head back north to the old Citizens Bank, have a quick(ie) honeymoon, and celebrate on the north end all without having to put your drink down.
Another rule that needs to be included would state that “The values and actions promoted within these boundaries are exempt from judgement or accountability to any higher power or authority other than the Entertainment District Oversight Committee, Mayor, and City Council.” Also, the name of the district needs to be easy to say, short, and to the point. It also needs to be easy to remember. Two names come to mind: “Sodom” and “Gomorrah”. I wanted to suggest “Hell” but found out it was reserved for people who promote and practice evil.
Satirically and Sarcastically yours,
Kenny Qualls
JonesboroRightNow publishes opinion pieces representing both sides of a variety of topics. Opinions presented do not necessarily reflect those of the newsroom or management. To join the conversation, visit jonesbororightnow.com/opinions.